Some people I went to high school with like to post on Facebook about how, if someone is depressed or having trouble loving life, it's because she is lacking "an attitude of gratitude." To which I say, "Go fuck yourself."
While I agree that it's great and helpful to look on the bright side and count your blessings, hearing that advice from a third party who knows nothing about your situation can appear to lack empathy and sound a little bit like, "Maybe you'd have an easier time snapping out of it if you weren't such an ungrateful little bitch." To which I repeat, "Go fuck yourself," and add, "You sound like my mother."
I know this judgment probably isn't what's intended with most "attitude of gratitude" posts and my interpretation is biased by my own experiences, but I also know my experiences aren't unique. I think audience perspective is worth bearing in mind when doling out blanket advice to hundreds of acquaintances on social media. Yes, happiness is a choice that comes from within, but implying happy people are doing it right and unhappy people are unhappy because they're doing it wrong is a vast oversimplification of the human experience. Life is hard. Maybe we're all just doing the best we can with the hands we've been dealt.
Anyway, I think more helpful advice informs people not what to think or to feel but what to do -- because, while thoughts and feelings come and go regardless of how we try to force them, action is what we actually have control over. So rather than try to follow "be grateful" or equally unhelpful and invalidating advice, in honor of Thanksgiving today, I am making a list of things for which I am thankful. Making a list is an action. It is something I have control over. Everything on my list of "consolation prizes" belongs here too.
Here is my Thankful list:
1) I am thankful for my BFF Jerry. We've been best friends since my senior year of high school nearly half my life ago, and she knows my mother firsthand. I can't even list all the ways she has been important to me and vital to my continued existence. She is the closest thing I've ever met to a soul mate.
2) I am thankful for my husband. He works hard and is the most resilient person I've ever met. This is not hyperbole -- he is the most resilient person most people who know him have ever met. We have different interests but the same sense of humor, and I never really get bored of spending time with him, even if we're just sitting on the couch watching YouTube videos together. I ultimately married him because I could not imagine another person who would give me a better shot at being a happy, fully functional person than him. He's the kind of person you'd want on your team. I also like who I am when I'm with him. I feel like myself.
3) I am thankful for my daughter. I have never had a greater incentive to keep trying than her. She is resilient and cheerful in ways I never was as a child. She is smart and creative and beautiful and legitimately funny. I hope she somehow develops an athleticism that no known person in her family tree has ever possessed, but even if she doesn't, she is perfection.
4) I am thankful for my home, which is in pretty good shape and which keeps my family safe and warm and dry. I am thankful for the neighbors who I see when I go outside. It's so friendly here. We know each others' names and say hello like we're in a more spacious and physically comfortable version of college. I am thankful I generally prefer getting rid of things to hoarding them. I am thankful I generally prefer getting my home repaired to living with issues that make me feel ashamed of it. I am thankful I have the money to do the things necessary to maintain my home and also that I know how to handle money. I am thankful my mother taught me about finances, even though she couldn't manage her own.
5) I am thankful for the public library system, which saves me hundreds, if not thousands, of dollars per year in books and videos I can borrow rather than buy and keep.
6) I am thankful for my sun lamp, Yogi brand's St. John's Wort herbal tea, my elliptical machine, Netflix, the gym near my house with all the good weight machines, meditation as described in Pema Chödrön's How to Meditate, and everything else that helps me to feel okay.
7) I am thankful for the people who share their stories and feelings on the internet and make me feel normal and sane. I am thankful for the people who read what I write and make me feel less alone. Thank you.
And to anyone reading this who is feeling depressed today because
they are alone or feel alone or have to spend time with family and only
wish they could be alone, I say, "That sucks. I'm sorry you're having
to deal with that. Have you tried watching Netflix or, if you're with
family, surreptitiously watching Netflix on your iPhone? I hear the new Aziz Ansari show is good, and I always recommend Firefly for a good distraction. Have you tried
making Bingo boards of all the crazy and casually racist things your
mother might say over dinner? Have you considered cataloging the most
ridiculous things your parents say and sharing them with friends or the
internet for our mutual entertainment so that you can look forward to their
madness rather than dread it? Have you tried bourbon or cheesecake? I'm sorry you're having a hard time today. You're not alone. I
hope you feel better soon."
Thursday, November 26, 2015
Wednesday, November 25, 2015
The Time My Grandmother Visited My Mother as a Ladybug
Once when I was in my early twenties, my mother told me she hadn't felt like going to church that Sunday. "But then I saw a ladybug, and I just knew it was your grandma telling me I needed to go to church."
What makes this idea slightly less crazy is that my uncle used to call my grandmother "Ladybug" as a nickname. What makes it slightly more crazy is that my grandmother was still alive at the time, recovering from a surgery or sickness that kept her from church that particular Sunday, but otherwise fine.
Methodists don't usually have animal familiars, so I suggested my mother ask her mother, "Did you visit me in the form of a ladybug yesterday?" to confirm. I don't think she ever did.
What makes this idea slightly less crazy is that my uncle used to call my grandmother "Ladybug" as a nickname. What makes it slightly more crazy is that my grandmother was still alive at the time, recovering from a surgery or sickness that kept her from church that particular Sunday, but otherwise fine.
Methodists don't usually have animal familiars, so I suggested my mother ask her mother, "Did you visit me in the form of a ladybug yesterday?" to confirm. I don't think she ever did.
Tuesday, November 24, 2015
"57 Reasons I Hate My Mother": An Email
I was referring back to my old emails while writing the story of The Great Clean Out of '06 (or The Time My Mother Scammed the Poorest People We Knew), but I think this email might be better in its original form. A few of the things I said at the time make me cringe in the rereading (e.g., repeatedly calling my mother a terrible person; calling the Gardner family "trashy" -- they remind me of Kenny's family from South Park, but still, it was unkind), but I prefer to keep it honest than to edit it to make myself sound better. The first bullet points might sound familiar from other posts.
Dear Jerry,
It really relaxes my head to list off what is pissing me off about my mom, but I can understand how listening to someone complain can get old really fast (believe me -- I know), so feel free to skip the numbered section of this email. Please note though that there is a shitload of crazy in there and you might find some of it interesting and/or amusing. There aren't actually 57 reasons. I just liked how it sounded.
1. She called me repeatedly starting at 6am yesterday to tell me she wanted to fax me something. I discovered later that she had started calling my cell phone at 5:30am. She told me today that she had called about six other people before that because she couldn't find my phone number. When each asked why she had called at such an ungodly hour, she got increasingly angrier. I finally got her off the phone with less than an hour before I had to be at work. The all-important fax was the name of a hotel in Cleveland, a wedding price list for the chapel in Cincy, and something that looked like spam and said something about 'girlfriends' on it.
2. She called me tonight for her daily venting and to ask me to wire her $2000. She said the car that was formerly mine -- which my brother ruined the engine on and then she tried unsuccessfully to give away -- was in the shop and wouldn't be leaving until she had $2k. She said she hadn't planned on taking the $2k that my father had very carefully set aside in a money market account to pay their property tax, but if I wouldn't give her money, she'd be forced to use it. Either she doesn't have access to the money market account, or my dad is completely unaware that she does and will probably have a breakdown when he finds out. I hope for the former.
Money she spent today: her $2300 bed was delivered, and she had several scans run on her brain. Tomorrow she is having an MRI, and she is having people come by to talk about installing automatic handicapped doors on the house.
Do you know the Gardners (i.e., the very nice Tim Gardner's mostly -- not all, but mostly -- trashy family)? Otherwise known to me as the poorest family in Cincy? Well, my mom owes them money. She told the youngest children and their boyfriends that she would pay them each $100 and all the candy they could eat to clean out her basement but that she would have to give them IOUs and pay them later (she mentioned this part after they arrived). She also said she'd pay them to get my brother's car out of the shop. Apparently their father called and yelled at her because his children had to put gas in the car to get it to her, and so far, they have made negative money. She also offered the pregnant teenager Mikaela and her boyfriend a $1000 IOU to go to Queens and drive back the $3000 van she is still hell-bent on buying. Mikaela backed out because she is in her 3rd trimester and recently learned that she isn't supposed to be flying. My mother is a terrible person.
By the way, I didn't give her the money. I told her truthfully that I don't have that much money in my checking account. There is no reason for her to ever know that I have a high-yield savings account and an 18-month CD because she is never ever getting her hands on them.
3. She announced in church last Sunday that she needed help cleaning out her house and that she would pay people by giving them bags of candy and praying for them (I'm serious). She was angry and resentful that people who were "supposed to be [her] friends" didn't chip in, and even "the Mormons," some new-ish neighbors who had once said, "If there is anything we can do..." didn't help (apparently "if there is anything we can do..." now constitutes some sort of binding verbal agreement). Only two people came, a couple from church who we've known for decades who are around my parents age, maybe a little older. When they asked if there was anything they should bring, she asked for Rubbermaid storage containers. She told the woman how she wished she could scrub out the bathtub but that her fingers just weren't strong enough. The woman scrubbed the bathtub clean for her. I don't think it had been scrubbed since the mid-'90s.
4. After she bitched about having to wait until tomorrow for the scans of her brain and after I denied her request for $2000, she told me she had no idea if my dad had had his surgery today or not. She hadn't called the hospital to find out. She said she had tried the hospital in Cincinnati and expected them to transfer her to the hospital in Cleveland but they hadn't. Not sure why she didn't call the number she has for another division of that hospital in Cleveland, but apparently she gave up quickly. That's when I told her that I had actually bothered to look up the hospital's phone number and talk to my dad's nurse, who said he was recovering in his room and doing fine. My mother seemed genuinely shocked, though I'm not sure about which part.
5. She tells the same stories ("complaints" might be a more accurate term) every time she calls me. I think she tells everyone the same thing and actually forgets who she's told her shit to each day. That, or she just doesn't care. That's fairly likely, actually. She is such a terrible person. I really can't stand her.
6. She has decided that as soon as my dad gets out of the hospital she will give him an ultimatum that either he treat her "like a human being" or she is divorcing him. She said she has a terminal illness and life is too short to spend it unhappy. What a lovely lesson to learn after wasting all of your youth, beauty, and money. I am thankful for her sometimes. Watching someone close to you make such catastrophic mistakes helps prevent you making so many of them, and sweet jesus, she covered a lot of them for me. I honestly believe that, while I might not be a better person for having known her, I behave better for having dealt with her.
Okay, I'm finished with my list for today. The good news, in addition to the fact that my dad's surgery went smoothly, is that I've been researching Ohio divorce law and Ohio is an "equitable-distribution" state. This means, among other things, that upon divorce, the debts are divided up as fairly as possible to whomever created them. My dad would still have tens of thousands of dollars worth of marital debt -- debt they earned jointly, like the mortgage -- but it would most likely free him from her mounting hospital bills. The only thing really working against him is the fact that he is their sole source of income and a judge might determine that he stands a better chance of paying it off. However, if he sues for divorce and cites the financial insanity -- and other insanity -- as cause, he might be able to get rid of those debts and of her, though I'm sure he'd have to pay alimony out of his significantly lighter check. Also, there is a 90% chance (probably better) that he would get the house and would then be able to stop her from calling more and more people to do more and more expensive things to it. Then I'd only have one parent spiraling out of control, and as long as she doesn't come knocking on my door (hell, if the pizza delivery guy can't find it, why should she be able to?), she can do whatever she damn well pleases. Michael and I will move to Arizona where the schools are good, the property taxes are reasonable, and the weather is fine, and my dad can sell everything he owns and get a little house not too far away in the desert, the only place it seems he has ever been happy.
I am so looking forward to our Cleveland adventure. Do you have any ideas for where we should eat? The CDs I ordered for my dad arrived yesterday, so I now have some 15 CDs worth of jazz to upload onto his new mp3 player. Plus, I consequently have a new $200 jazz collection. Which is actually not bad. I used to hate the stuff, but I think it must have seeped into my brain as a child because so much of it is familiar to me now, and hearing it is really soothing. "Willow Weep For Me" and "Misty" always make me think of my dad because they are the two songs he played on his guitar every damn day for as long as I can remember. I actually like them now, I guess because I hadn't heard them in so long.
It'll be good to see him, and I know there's a selfish reason behind it, but I love giving him gifts. He's so good at receiving gifts, and I love that I know he'll really like this one and that maybe he won't be so sad or so lonely because he'll have something pretty and familiar to listen to and he'll know that it came from someone who loves him and wants him to get well. I'd better head to bed since it's getting really late. Be thinking of fun ways to spend our evening together. There should definitely be mischief involved at one point or another, though I'm not sure how so. I hope to talk to you soon, my best and favorite friend. -- C
P.S. #7) She got upset when I told her after 11pm that I needed to go get ready for bed because I have work in the morning. Michael says I should set the fax to call her in the middle of the day and wake her up and see how she likes it (ha!). -- C
Dear Jerry,
It really relaxes my head to list off what is pissing me off about my mom, but I can understand how listening to someone complain can get old really fast (believe me -- I know), so feel free to skip the numbered section of this email. Please note though that there is a shitload of crazy in there and you might find some of it interesting and/or amusing. There aren't actually 57 reasons. I just liked how it sounded.
1. She called me repeatedly starting at 6am yesterday to tell me she wanted to fax me something. I discovered later that she had started calling my cell phone at 5:30am. She told me today that she had called about six other people before that because she couldn't find my phone number. When each asked why she had called at such an ungodly hour, she got increasingly angrier. I finally got her off the phone with less than an hour before I had to be at work. The all-important fax was the name of a hotel in Cleveland, a wedding price list for the chapel in Cincy, and something that looked like spam and said something about 'girlfriends' on it.
2. She called me tonight for her daily venting and to ask me to wire her $2000. She said the car that was formerly mine -- which my brother ruined the engine on and then she tried unsuccessfully to give away -- was in the shop and wouldn't be leaving until she had $2k. She said she hadn't planned on taking the $2k that my father had very carefully set aside in a money market account to pay their property tax, but if I wouldn't give her money, she'd be forced to use it. Either she doesn't have access to the money market account, or my dad is completely unaware that she does and will probably have a breakdown when he finds out. I hope for the former.
Money she spent today: her $2300 bed was delivered, and she had several scans run on her brain. Tomorrow she is having an MRI, and she is having people come by to talk about installing automatic handicapped doors on the house.
Do you know the Gardners (i.e., the very nice Tim Gardner's mostly -- not all, but mostly -- trashy family)? Otherwise known to me as the poorest family in Cincy? Well, my mom owes them money. She told the youngest children and their boyfriends that she would pay them each $100 and all the candy they could eat to clean out her basement but that she would have to give them IOUs and pay them later (she mentioned this part after they arrived). She also said she'd pay them to get my brother's car out of the shop. Apparently their father called and yelled at her because his children had to put gas in the car to get it to her, and so far, they have made negative money. She also offered the pregnant teenager Mikaela and her boyfriend a $1000 IOU to go to Queens and drive back the $3000 van she is still hell-bent on buying. Mikaela backed out because she is in her 3rd trimester and recently learned that she isn't supposed to be flying. My mother is a terrible person.
By the way, I didn't give her the money. I told her truthfully that I don't have that much money in my checking account. There is no reason for her to ever know that I have a high-yield savings account and an 18-month CD because she is never ever getting her hands on them.
3. She announced in church last Sunday that she needed help cleaning out her house and that she would pay people by giving them bags of candy and praying for them (I'm serious). She was angry and resentful that people who were "supposed to be [her] friends" didn't chip in, and even "the Mormons," some new-ish neighbors who had once said, "If there is anything we can do..." didn't help (apparently "if there is anything we can do..." now constitutes some sort of binding verbal agreement). Only two people came, a couple from church who we've known for decades who are around my parents age, maybe a little older. When they asked if there was anything they should bring, she asked for Rubbermaid storage containers. She told the woman how she wished she could scrub out the bathtub but that her fingers just weren't strong enough. The woman scrubbed the bathtub clean for her. I don't think it had been scrubbed since the mid-'90s.
4. After she bitched about having to wait until tomorrow for the scans of her brain and after I denied her request for $2000, she told me she had no idea if my dad had had his surgery today or not. She hadn't called the hospital to find out. She said she had tried the hospital in Cincinnati and expected them to transfer her to the hospital in Cleveland but they hadn't. Not sure why she didn't call the number she has for another division of that hospital in Cleveland, but apparently she gave up quickly. That's when I told her that I had actually bothered to look up the hospital's phone number and talk to my dad's nurse, who said he was recovering in his room and doing fine. My mother seemed genuinely shocked, though I'm not sure about which part.
5. She tells the same stories ("complaints" might be a more accurate term) every time she calls me. I think she tells everyone the same thing and actually forgets who she's told her shit to each day. That, or she just doesn't care. That's fairly likely, actually. She is such a terrible person. I really can't stand her.
6. She has decided that as soon as my dad gets out of the hospital she will give him an ultimatum that either he treat her "like a human being" or she is divorcing him. She said she has a terminal illness and life is too short to spend it unhappy. What a lovely lesson to learn after wasting all of your youth, beauty, and money. I am thankful for her sometimes. Watching someone close to you make such catastrophic mistakes helps prevent you making so many of them, and sweet jesus, she covered a lot of them for me. I honestly believe that, while I might not be a better person for having known her, I behave better for having dealt with her.
Okay, I'm finished with my list for today. The good news, in addition to the fact that my dad's surgery went smoothly, is that I've been researching Ohio divorce law and Ohio is an "equitable-distribution" state. This means, among other things, that upon divorce, the debts are divided up as fairly as possible to whomever created them. My dad would still have tens of thousands of dollars worth of marital debt -- debt they earned jointly, like the mortgage -- but it would most likely free him from her mounting hospital bills. The only thing really working against him is the fact that he is their sole source of income and a judge might determine that he stands a better chance of paying it off. However, if he sues for divorce and cites the financial insanity -- and other insanity -- as cause, he might be able to get rid of those debts and of her, though I'm sure he'd have to pay alimony out of his significantly lighter check. Also, there is a 90% chance (probably better) that he would get the house and would then be able to stop her from calling more and more people to do more and more expensive things to it. Then I'd only have one parent spiraling out of control, and as long as she doesn't come knocking on my door (hell, if the pizza delivery guy can't find it, why should she be able to?), she can do whatever she damn well pleases. Michael and I will move to Arizona where the schools are good, the property taxes are reasonable, and the weather is fine, and my dad can sell everything he owns and get a little house not too far away in the desert, the only place it seems he has ever been happy.
I am so looking forward to our Cleveland adventure. Do you have any ideas for where we should eat? The CDs I ordered for my dad arrived yesterday, so I now have some 15 CDs worth of jazz to upload onto his new mp3 player. Plus, I consequently have a new $200 jazz collection. Which is actually not bad. I used to hate the stuff, but I think it must have seeped into my brain as a child because so much of it is familiar to me now, and hearing it is really soothing. "Willow Weep For Me" and "Misty" always make me think of my dad because they are the two songs he played on his guitar every damn day for as long as I can remember. I actually like them now, I guess because I hadn't heard them in so long.
It'll be good to see him, and I know there's a selfish reason behind it, but I love giving him gifts. He's so good at receiving gifts, and I love that I know he'll really like this one and that maybe he won't be so sad or so lonely because he'll have something pretty and familiar to listen to and he'll know that it came from someone who loves him and wants him to get well. I'd better head to bed since it's getting really late. Be thinking of fun ways to spend our evening together. There should definitely be mischief involved at one point or another, though I'm not sure how so. I hope to talk to you soon, my best and favorite friend. -- C
P.S. #7) She got upset when I told her after 11pm that I needed to go get ready for bed because I have work in the morning. Michael says I should set the fax to call her in the middle of the day and wake her up and see how she likes it (ha!). -- C
Send the Parents to Jail
I remember being very young the first time I heard that children don't go to jail. I believe this topic came up because I was terrified of unwittingly doing something illegal and being separated from my mother and sent to jail, but otherwise I don't remember the context of this conversation.
My mother told me I didn't need to worry about being sent to jail myself as a preschooler. "Parents are held responsible for their children's behavior," she explained. "So when a child does something bad, she gets taken away from her parents, and her parents get sent to jail in her place. If you did something bad, I would be the one who went to jail." Cue new and more exotic fears. I don't remember when I learned this was a lie, but it took years.
My mother told me I didn't need to worry about being sent to jail myself as a preschooler. "Parents are held responsible for their children's behavior," she explained. "So when a child does something bad, she gets taken away from her parents, and her parents get sent to jail in her place. If you did something bad, I would be the one who went to jail." Cue new and more exotic fears. I don't remember when I learned this was a lie, but it took years.
Wednesday, November 18, 2015
Curfew
My mother refused to give me a curfew when I was growing up. I wasn't allowed to go anywhere without an adult chaperone until I was old enough to drive anyway, but even then, she said "no curfew." She just told me to be home "at a reasonable hour." Each time I arrived home, she would decide if the hour was reasonable or not. She also wanted me to call and inform her every time I left somewhere or arrived somewhere else, though I interpreted that rule literally enough when going out to pick up friends that she told me to stop it in exasperation. I think it was still my sixteenth birthday.
The first time she assigned me a curfew was the summer after my freshman year of college. I had been living on my own in a big city far away, I was nineteen, I was working full-time to save up money for the coming school year, and I had finally started going on dates. She said my curfew was 9pm. If I wanted to go to a movie with friends or be out after dark, I "just had to ask."
The first time she assigned me a curfew was the summer after my freshman year of college. I had been living on my own in a big city far away, I was nineteen, I was working full-time to save up money for the coming school year, and I had finally started going on dates. She said my curfew was 9pm. If I wanted to go to a movie with friends or be out after dark, I "just had to ask."
Sunday, November 15, 2015
Mother's Apologies
There are two ways I've ever heard my mother apologize to anyone. The first is to say in a bitterly angry but choked up voice, "Well, I'm sorry I [hyperbolic accusation that no one actually made]," and typically spirals into a rant about how hard she works and how ungrateful everyone is. Example: "Well, I'm sorry I was such a terrible mother that I spent all my MONEY and STRESS and SLEEPLESS NIGHTS on YOU and what you wanted and didn't focus on teaching you to be GRATEFUL for the people who gave you EVERYTHING YOU COULD EVER WANT! Like YOUR MOTHER!"
The other variation is simply to say "sorry" but to say it sarcastically and drawn out into four tonal syllables, sort of like Vietnamese or Chinese. First tone "Sah," second tone lower "ah," third tone even higher than the first and put the stress on this one "AH," fourth tone lower again like you're completely giving up on anyone ever appreciating you "ree."
The other variation is simply to say "sorry" but to say it sarcastically and drawn out into four tonal syllables, sort of like Vietnamese or Chinese. First tone "Sah," second tone lower "ah," third tone even higher than the first and put the stress on this one "AH," fourth tone lower again like you're completely giving up on anyone ever appreciating you "ree."
Friday, November 13, 2015
"I Wish SHE Were My Daughter"
When I was in college, my high school friend Allie told me she and her sisters had saved up $10,000 over the years from the monthly allowance their parents gave them, and they were giving it to their mother for her birthday. She had been wanting to re-carpet the house or something she considered frivolous, so they were stipulating that she had to spend it on something frivolous and couldn't spend it paying bills. When this news got back to my mother, she caught my eye and told me pointedly, "I wish ALLIE were my daughter."
I don't remember being offended by the comment or taking it personally. It was sort of typical of my mother. She may as well have said, "I'm hoping to guilt you into giving me money." I also knew Allie and her sisters all received substantially more in allowance than my parents had ever given me and that, had Allie been my mother's daughter, she would have had nothing to give her. Knowing that helped.
I don't remember being offended by the comment or taking it personally. It was sort of typical of my mother. She may as well have said, "I'm hoping to guilt you into giving me money." I also knew Allie and her sisters all received substantially more in allowance than my parents had ever given me and that, had Allie been my mother's daughter, she would have had nothing to give her. Knowing that helped.
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